Darwin Awards 2000
One of the long-awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of
the Darwin Award.
This prestigious award recognizes those people who through stupid and
inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing
their genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for this
year's award. ( I think Dictator Yahya's nomination is due 2001. Some
foresee Jammeh as a victim of dementia praecox. Looking fwd to
it (o-:)lol! )
(15 July 1999, Alabama)
A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall,
precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to
hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in
order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his
momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of
for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24
feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol
content of 0.14°impairing his judgment and paving the way for his
opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999)
A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving
near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that
the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially
occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He
had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to
totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine)
A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river
Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power
supply of his home and trailed the end into the river. The electric
shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.
The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic
twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the
first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany)
A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The
51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black
Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog
was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the
trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress)
Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near
Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the
reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named
Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his
shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled
the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia)
Drinking oneself to death need not be a long, lingering process.
Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive
spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney hotel bar held a
drinking competition,known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time
limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8
points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of
236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally
staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353. After several trips to the
usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to
his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A
forensic Medical Doctor estimated that after (downing 34 beers, 4
bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes), his
blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had
vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by
Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the
equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known
whether Allan required any further embalming.
(28 January 1999, London)
A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and
pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by
dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a
power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking
Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham,
in northeastern England. I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next
thing she was tumbling down the incline,"neighbor Alan Renfry told
reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded
ammunitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with
the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks
and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of
Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until
one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in
his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began
playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping
on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the
explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in
the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the
blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among
terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israeli time on Sunday,
two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three
terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed
that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A
closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three
days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot,
involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on
Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had
been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight
Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard
time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives
detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
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