st1\:*{behavior:url(#default#ieooui) } p.MsoNormal {margin-left:7.5pt;} 'How to write about Africa'
Always use the word 'Africa' or 'Darkness' or 'Safari' in your
title. Subtitles may include the words 'Zanzibar', 'Masai', 'Zulu',
'Zambezi', 'Congo', 'Nile', 'Big', 'Sky', 'Shadow', 'Drum', 'Sun' or
'Bygone'. Also useful are words such as 'Guerrillas', 'Timeless',
'Primordial' and 'Tribal'. Note that 'People' means Africans who are not
black, while 'The People' means black Africans. Never have a picture of a
well-adjusted African on the cover of your book, or in it, unless that
African has won the Nobel Prize. An AK-47, prominent ribs, naked breasts:
use these. If you must include an African, make sure you get one in Masai
or
Zulu or Dogon dress.
In your text, treat Africa as if it were one country. It is hot and dusty
with rolling grasslands and huge herds of animals and tall, thin people
who
are starving. Or it is hot and steamy with very short people who eat
primates. Don't get bogged down with precise descriptions. Africa is big:
fifty-four countries, 900 million people who are too busy starving and
dying
and warring and emigrating to read your book. The continent is full of
deserts, jungles, highlands, savannahs and many other things, but your
reader doesn't care about all that, so keep your descriptions romantic
and
evocative and unparticular.
Make sure you show how Africans have music and rhythm deep in their
souls,
and eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention rice and beef and
wheat;
monkey-brain is an African's cuisine of choice, along with goat, snake,
worms and grubs and all manner of game meat. Make sure you show that you
are able to eat such food without flinching, and describe how you learn to
enjoy it? Because you care.
Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, love between Africans (unless a
death is involved), references to African writers or intellectuals,
mention
of school-going children who are not suffering from yaws or Ebola fever
or
female genital mutilation. Throughout the book, adopt a sotto voice, in
conspiracy with the reader, and a sad I-expected-so-much tone. Establish
early on that your liberalism is impeccable and mention near the
beginning
how much you love Africa, how you fell in love with the place and can't
live without her. Africa is the only continent you can love? take
advantage
of this. If you are a man, thrust yourself into her warm virgin forests.
If
you are a woman, treat Africa as a man who wears a bush jacket and
disappears off into the sunset. Africa is to be pitied, worshipped or
dominated. Whichever angle you take, be sure to leave the strong
impression
that without your intervention and your important book, Africa is doomed.
Your African characters may include naked warriors, loyal servants,
diviners and seers, ancient wise men living in hermitic splendour. Or
corrupt politicians, inept polygamous travel-guides, and prostitutes you
have slept with. The Loyal Servant always behaves like a seven-year-old
and
needs a firm hand; he is scared of snakes, good with children, and always
involving you in his complex domestic dramas. The Ancient Wise Man always
comes from a noble tribe (not the money-grubbing tribes like the Gikuyu,
the Igbo or the Shona). He has rheumy eyes and is close to the Earth. The
Modern African is a fat man who steals and works in the visa office,
refusing to give work permits to qualified Westerners who really care
about
Africa. He is an enemy of development, always using his government job to
make it difficult for pragmatic and good-hearted expats to set up NGOs or
Legal Conservation Areas. Or he is an Oxford-educated intellectual turned
serial-killing politician in a Savile Row suit. He is a cannibal who likes
Cristal champagne, and his mother is a rich witch-doctor who really runs
the
country.
Among your characters you must always include The Starving African, who
wanders the refugee camp nearly naked, and waits for the benevolence of
the
West. Her children have flies on their eyelids and pot bellies, and her
breasts are flat and empty. She must look utterly helpless. She can have
no
past, no history- such diversions ruin the dramatic moment. Moans are
good.
She must never say anything about herself in the dialogue except to speak
of
her (unspeakable) suffering. Also be sure to include a warm and motherly
woman who has a rolling laugh and who is concerned for your well-being.
Just
call her Mama. Her children are all delinquent. These characters should
buzz
around your main hero, making him look good. Your hero can teach them,
bathe
them, feed them; he carries lots of babies and has seen Death. Your hero
is
you (if reportage), or a beautiful, tragic international
celebrity/aristocrat who now cares for animals (if fiction).
Bad Western characters may include children of Tory cabinet ministers,
Afrikaners, employees of the World Bank. When talking about exploitation
by
foreigners mention the Chinese and Indian traders. Blame the West for
Africa's situation. But do not be too specific.
Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African
characters
laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do in mundane
circumstances.Have them illuminate something about Europe or America in
Africa. African characters should be colourful, exotic, larger than
life?but
empty inside, with no dialogue, no conflicts or resolutions in their
stories, no depth or quirks to confuse the cause.
Describe, in detail, naked breasts (young, old, conservative, recently
raped, big, small) or mutilated genitals, or enhanced genitals. Or any
kind
of genitals. And dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead bodies. And
especially
rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any work you submit in which people
look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the 'real Africa', and
you
want that on your dust jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are
trying to help them to get aid from the West. The biggest taboo in writing
about Africa is to describe or show dead or suffering white people.
Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex
characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly) and
have
names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values: see how lions
teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are good feminists or
dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative
about an elephant or a gorilla. Elephants may attack people's property,
destroy their crops, and even kill them. Always take the side of the
elephant. Big cats have public-school accents. Hyenas are fair game and
have
vaguely Middle Eastern accents. Any short Africans who live in the jungle
or
desert may be portrayed with good humour (unless they are in conflict with
an elephant or chimpanzee or gorilla, in which case they are pure evil).
After celebrity activists and aid workers, conservationists are Africa's
most important people. Do not offend them. You need them to invite you to
their 30,000-acre game ranch or 'conservation area', and this is the only
way you will get to interview the celebrity activist. Often a book cover
with a heroic-looking conservationist on it works magic for sales.
Anybody
white, tanned and wearing khaki who once had a pet antelope or a farm is a
conservationist, one who is preserving Africa's rich heritage. When
interviewing him or her, do not ask how much funding they have; do not ask
how much money they make off their game. Never ask how much they pay their
employees.
Readers will be put off if you don't mention the light in Africa. And
sunsets, the African sunset is a must. It is always big and red. There is
always a big sky. Wide empty spaces and game are critical?Africa is the
Land
of Wide Empty Spaces. When writing about the plight of flora and fauna,
make
sure you mention that Africa is overpopulated. When your main character is
in a desert or jungle living with indigenous peoples (anybody short) it is
okay to mention that Africa has been severely depopulated by Aids and War
(use caps).
You'll also need a nightclub called Tropicana, where mercenaries, evil
nouveau riche Africans and prostitutes and guerrillas and expats hang out.
Always end your book with Nelson Mandela saying something about rainbows
or
renaissances. Because you care.
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