THE MALE VERSION
At first I was afraid I was petrified
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less,
I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd
Assault me in your bed.
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I
Can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose
Has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers are not
Made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want
to heave
I Only hope that no one saw me walking home
With such a slut
Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're
Half cut.
I can't believe, I'm lying here.
It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that
We call beer
You can all sod your beer goggles, shit I must
Have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly
Breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad, God what
Made me want to court her?
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just
Filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting that she wants sex on her
Dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply.........
THE FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w*nker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've
Tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in
Your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that
I fell on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out
disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your
F**king ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes
Me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking
Spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you
Looked just like Richard Gere !
I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be
Simply bound and gagged.
I'm f**king off right now, I'm jumping on the
Flippin' train
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed
Your greebies down the drain.
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're
A bloody ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at
least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm
Stuck with you, you twat.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm gonna
Have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside you makes me
Want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE !
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