These jokes were reportedly made by Andy Rooney (CBS)

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On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put
advertisements in with your bills now?
Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have
to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I got back at them. I put garbage in with
my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
banana peels...I write, Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You
can take off the ring, but its hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:
My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice
people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh
of the church of Holy Moly?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
burn in Heck?

On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand
dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez,
for forty-thousand bucks a piece Ill take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board
to criminals. I think they should have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
to the generator.

On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they
have now? They have awards for commercials.
The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice
There's always like 18% that say I don't know.
It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...
They're voting I don't know.
Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the
phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!
Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have
to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to say Im not in the mood.

On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine?
Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is Share the love. Beep.
Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love.


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