Soffie,

"Add to that my uncle who gave me away telling me "munyal, sa dorm yi nyoi barkeh".  If this were true, why are so many of us suffering/struggling when we know and have seen how our parents suffered in their marriages. I pointed out this paradox to some elders and all they could do was agree.  All of Gambia's children should be successful because our parents did "saye"! "

It is as if you were reading my mine. I did challenge my Mum on this issue. I told my Mum that most of these kids raised in such relationship are always not successful, they turn out to be crimminals, angry, hopeless, lost their sense of life and belonging, low self esteem and the abuse continues.  My Mum was so mad with me because she felt i was going on the extreme but this was the only way i can get her to understand how bad it is to stay married just for the shake of marriage of kids.  I told my mum i am not asking anyone to divorce or live your husband what i am saying is that no one , i mean one has the right to beat anyone. No one deserves the rights to be humiliated and abused. Being someone's wife does not mean being a property, slave.  Married means partnership, love and care. If one cannot love, care and share with you, then they don't deserve you.

I also understand Habib, not until when i join the women's movements i did not undersatand the dynamic of women staying in an abused realtionship. I use to blame them and i remember when i use to work for AMWA in London. We had a Counselling Unit and the counsellor use to tell Ndey you don't understand, you really don't understand. Something that is very important in human beings are taken away from these women and that is their self esteem.  These women ends up blaming themselves for what has happen to them. They end up hating themselves. The situation is more complex than you think.

We all love our men, we care for them, we are proud of them and we want the same back. That is all what women are asking for and if we don't get it. We demand it because it is a right not a priviledge. This is what some of us as feminist we believe in, the struggle for democratic rights for all citizens comes  hand in hand with the struggle for the total liberiation for women.

We appeal to all our brothers in struggle for a clean and democratic Gambia to look into their relationship with our sisters because we won't spear them for that and we won't forgive them. As we forged alliances with them we want them to understand that we are partners in the struggle not the other way round.

 

The Struggle Continues!!

Ndey Jobarteh

 



 

>From: "Ceesay, Soffie" <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Gambia and related-issues mailing list              <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Question/Habibi/Jabou/Soffie
>Date: Tue, 2 Mar 2004 05:42:24 -0800
>
>This institution has been so perverted, to the point, that I continually
>question it's "natural-ness" :-).  Some sisters actually consider taking
>their own lives than to leave the situation because of what people will say.
>Those who remain and endure in front of and because of the kids, are
>diminished - the children end up hating them for allowing it to happen and
>powerless at the same time because they cannot help their mother.
>
>A dimension to spousal abuse which I find myself constantly challenging some
>of these women on is their sense of self.  The verbal abuse which often
>times accompanies the physical abuse is more damaging and lasts far much
>longer.  The sisters start owning these demeaning descriptions - I'm having
>none of that with them!  I have my own insecurities and God knows I do not
>need my significant other telling me how stupid or local I am after beating
>the hell out of me.  Yes, the struggle continues!
>
>I've thought a lot about why some women do not leave abusive relationships.
>When "I" left my mother's house, where my three sisters and "I" slept on one
>bed or on the floor, coming back with 2 more bodies to that same milieu
>creates more hardship and carries a social stigma.  Add to that my uncle who
>gave me away telling me "munyal, sa dorm yi nyoi barkeh".  If this were
>true, why are so many of us suffering/struggling when we know and have seen
>how our parents suffered in their marriages. I pointed out this paradox to
>some elders and all they could do was agree.  All of Gambia's children
>should be successful because our parents did "saye"!
>
>Knowledge and the ability to do for one-self, supported by legislation is
>the key.  We have to work on enforceable legislation.  Couple this with
>knowledge about our rights in tandem with programs for economic empowerment
>and we have a chance at sustainable development.  What do you think?
>
>Soffie
>
>
>
>-----Original Message-----
>From: Ndey Jobarteh [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
>Sent: Tuesday, March 02, 2004 6:19 AM
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: Question/Habibi/Jabou/Soffie
>
>
>
>Soffie,
>
>
>
>You are right I remember the saying that you have to stay in your marriage.
>The pains, beating and harassment is part of marriage, you have to stay for
>your kids.  Your kids won't be of any good if you are not patience and
>endure all the pains that come with marriage life.  These are the things
>that keep these women in the marriage and the economic conditions as well.
>Some women will ask you what will I do if I leave him. I can't take care of
>my kids alone. What will people say? How will I be judged? This is not only
>in Gambia is throughout Africa. In my daily work I have to come across these
>cases everyday and believe me it can be heart breaking and painful.
>
>  Yes, knowledge is the tool and key to everything but also as Jabou has
>rightly said we need policies and laws to protect these women and children.
>It was a big thing here in Ghana a very powerful woman, this is a woman I
>really admire and cherish. Very successful business woman. I came back from
>my leave last year and I heard her using her maiden name and I asked I was
>told that she divorced the husband. My shock was the fact that this woman
>was being abused by the husband. The physical beating and abuse was
>unbearable to the extend that she has to come public.
>
>It was so sad that the papers had to carry the story but I guess it comes
>with her position and influence in the Ghanaian society. There are many
>cases like this.
>
>  The Ghanaian women's movement is now engaged in a big advocacy and lobbying
>for the Domestic Violence Bill to be passed by parliament. Most of the
>parliamentarians who are men are afraid of the Bill to be passed in
>parliament. People still feels that domestic violence is a private matter
>but evidence had shown that so many women are killed and murdered in the
>name of domestic violence. One of the successful cases the women's movement
>in Ghana has is the establishment of WAJU (Women and Juvenile Unit of the
>Police) these people deal with domestic violence cases, they are trained
>Police Officers in this area.  So now you cannot go to the police to report
>that your husband has broken your hand and the police will say that "this is
>a private matter. Call the elders and resolve it at home."
>
>  Some parts of Africa, women are inherited after the death of their husband
>by their husband's brother.  All properties belong to the family of the
>husband even if there are kids. They can throw you out of your marital home
>with your kids.
>
>  I kept on asking myself how many men will accept their daughters being
>beaten, harassed and abused by their spouses. How many? I asked this
>question because my father won't even allow you to talk to his daughter any
>how. I remember one of my cousin sister was beaten by her husband. When she
>narrated the story to my Mum, she insisted that my father should not know
>about the issue.  So, I decided to inform my father about it, he got up went
>to the house and literally beat the guy up. I was shocked and my father said
>to him never lay your hands on my kid and he told him that is over.
>
>  When I join the women's movement I kept asking myself is this how men are?
>I won't beat, harass and abuse my daughter but I can beat some ones
>daughter, mother, sister who happen to be my wife.
>
>  Another thing is also the whole word WIFE. People take it to be ownership,
>as long as you are my wife i own you, your are my property and this is where
>the whole problem lies.
>
>  I am glad that this discussion is taking place during the women's week.
>Next Week will be International Women's Day, March 8th.
>
>
>
>
>
>The Struggle Continues!!!
>
>Ndey Jobarteh
>
>
>   _____
>
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