Puhus the Post-Modern Critic

By Baba Galleh Jallow

His Excellency the President, Dr. Yahakat Comganarr of the Republic of Anyhow was a very wise man. True, he had his friends and his enemies. And true, he made more enemies than friends because of his ultra-sensitive adherence to the infallible dictates of his reason. But true, true, Dr. Yahakat also knew how to tread on the slippery paths of life, how to turn friends into enemies, but especially how to turn enemies to friends when he needed to use them in pursuit of his political and allied goals.

Dr. Yahakat applied his ultra-rational mind to the case of a particularly crafty friend he used to have, but with whom he had fallen out. Actually, this particular former friend, popularly known as Puhus the critic, had had a very bad falling out with Dr. Yahakat. But Puhus the critic had regretted falling out with his mentor and for many years, tried to win back the friendship of the great Dr. Yahakat. Dr. Yahakat, however, ignored all of Puhus’ wily moves for reconciliation, until one day . . . .

Suddenly one day, Dr. Yahakat had great need of the services of Puhus the critic. So many nonentities were making so much noise about his caliber of leadership, which some folks described as absolutely anti-life, a categorization that greatly angered His Pious Excellency but left him with no way to fight back. Now, the great leader remembered that Puhus the critic was just the right weapon to use against all those puny little fellows making unpleasant noises about his regime. And so Dr. Yahakat Comganarr, ever the wily politician, eventually made it known that Puhus the critic was indeed a very loyal friend and sent him a few Chinese dollars as a token of his new friendship. "I trust," His Excellency told an excited Puhus, "that you will now use your highly advanced critical capacities and perspectives to silence all those jealous folks making funny noises about my government." Of course, Puhus the clever critic could not wait to nod yes sir, yes sir, my lord. So hard did Puhus nod that his head, which was disproportionately large, nearly fell off his tiny neck.

Thus readmitted into the favorite circle of the great leader, Puhus the critic gallantly set about his task of shaming all who dared to say a word contrary to the ideals and practices of His Infallible Excellency Dr. Yahakat Comganarr. During the period in which he was estranged from Dr. Yahakat, Puhus the critic had dived into the oceanic field of academia and drank heartily of the milk of wisdom. By the time of his readmittance into Dr. Yahakat’s most favored puppet status, Puhus the critic had clinched a Bachelors degree in Groping Techniques, A Masters degree in Virtual Cyclics and a Doctorate in the Advanced Principles of Don’t Care. He had become an expert in the novel theories of postmodernism, an achievement he now used with utmost gusto to silence all those semi-illiterate folks and false prophets who thought they were wise and tried to oppose His Infallible and Immortal Excellency, the Great Dr. Yahakat Comganarr of Anyhow fame.

Say anything about His Excellency in our village assembly and Puhus the critic would rise like a giant tree and tell you how you really belonged to "that class of pre-scientific vocalities who have lost touch with the inter-textual forms of binary logic."

"All of you jealous folks live in an era of what I would call a pre-limboric extra-falsity," Puhus the critic would wisely pout. "And you will do yourselves great service by taking your pre-social underlingities back into the glorious future of Yahakatian post-spatialities. For whether you like it or not, Dr. Yahakat will live forever and he will forever be our lord and master and the grand lord and master of our children and our children’s children. So I advise you to go and sleep."

As far as Puhus the critic was concerned, it did not matter whether what was said of Dr. Yahakat was true or false, logical or illogical, existent or nonexistent, rational or irrational, thick or thin. So long as it sounded unpleasant in the hallowed ears of His Excellency the President Dr. Yahakat Comganarr, it was deserving of condemnation and ridicule in the most appropriate post-modern terms Puhus the critic could muster. And boy, did he have an arsenal of advanced terms!

Indeed, our common townsfolk were so extremely impressed with the seemingly endless array of educated terms Puhus the critic knew that after listening to him put some cheeky folk down, they all would wildly stare and hold their mouths and call him sir. At which point Puhus the critic would sagely look around and ask, whatyasay?

Our common townsfolk were even more amazed at the great guy’s seemingly boundless reserves of critical energy. For truth to say, Puhus the critic was an army of one against the entire big wide world, fighting not for such simplistic and outmoded things as truth or lies, justice or injustice, sense or nonsense, but an army of one dedicated to the total defense and liberation of His Pious Excellency the President, Dr. Yahakat Comganarr of the famous Republic of Anyhow, from the evil mouths of jealous intellectual midgets. Which was why our common townsfolk really felt that Puhus the critic deserves recognition and a huge slap on the back. Whoap!! Six fingers for Puhus the critic!!