Return of the Empty Patriot: Full Body Armor
By Baba Galleh Jallow
A famous writer once said that if a man convinces himself that swallowing a frog will improve his condition, he may swallow one frog, then two, but at the third frog, his stomach will revolt and he will stop. That writer needed to meet Puhus the empty patriot, alias Ningsihakili Falidaa, who brayed so loudly in support of Medical Moooo Mbeeh that all the birds flew away and the chickens refused to come home to roost.. To protect his selfish interests and His Emptyllency, Puhus was prepared to swallow all the frogs in the world. So he went around looking for frogs, and swallowing them wholesale, so that you could see his belly bubbling as the frogs jumped in his stomach. He swallowed so many frogs that once in a while, one plopped out his backside and loudly croaked, whereby an angry Puhus would reach for the offending brat, pull it out, and swallow it right back again. That was how dedicated Puhus Ningsihakili Falidaa pretended to be to protecting His Mental Midgetsy, His Emptyllency, Alhaji Dr. Paramount Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh of Ratatoi fame!
Puhus the empty patriot, alias Ningsihakili Falidaa, was never one to be distracted by jealous midgets and mouthy journalists, whom he supported when they blundered and cursed when they were right. Such was the electric mind of our great post-truthsian patriot, master of double languages, espouser of infallible philosophies, creator of words and phrases that matched the confusion in the confused minds of our common townsfolk who spent their negligible energies bracing their puny skeletal chests against the mighty winds of destiny - the glorious destiny of the great and glorious Paramount Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh of Ratatoi fame, successor to the great excellency Sir Bodyfat Biggerpeice Joker whom we now remembered with heavy hearts. It was not uncommon to hear our petrified common townsfolk whispering among themselves about the good old days of poor Bodyfat Joker while throwing furtive glances around for the ubiquitous secret police of His Emptyllency Paramount Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh. 
At one point in the history of our great country, Puhus the empty patriot had a very special message for all those lousy so-called opponents of the great General Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh of Nyoboring fame. Medical Mbeeh would never die, he insisted. And he would always be in power, even after he is long dead and gone. Where were all those big mouths who thought that some insignificant group of nonentities who thought they were clever could challenge the unquestioned supremacy of the great leader? Where were all those miserable imps who made so much noise when so-called patriotic citizens decided to come together to challenge His Mighty Lordsheep, His Lordgoat, the great and glorious, immortal Alhaji Dr. Paramount Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh, GCMG, XYCG, PP, Grand Lord, Master and Commander of the miserable natives of our little town? Did they not all shut their stinking mouths and stick their puny little tails between their skeletal legs and flee the scene in shame while that so-called group of patriots bickered and fought in public for a place in the sun while it was still night? Indeed, no one could fail to see that our gallant Puhus the empty patriot, alias Ningsihakili Falidaa, had been infused with renewed energy, vigor and confidence in the wake of the brawl over a place in the sun that caused so much noise in our little town and left all our common townsfolk holding their mouths and saying whatyasay? whoever saw the like? whatsadeal?
Puhus the empty patriot knew that he was being ridiculed and that he made a fool of himself in our village assembly with all the obvious lies and slavish statements he made. But he insisted otherwise. He insisted and convinced himself that he was always victorious and vindicated. But he was ashamed and angry. He was so angry that his head shook uncontrollably, and he gnashed his teeth and rattled his angry sabre at all and sundry, especially those stupid journalists who did not even know who they were. And he continued swallowing his nauseating frogs. Those impudent blokes who called themselves journalists and so-called oppositions go out there and form funny so-called associations and make stupid noises while they were irrelevant and as invisible as the rays of the sun. Who cares what they call themselves? The great General Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh is invincible and immortal. Had he not single-handedly defeated all those evil folks who thought they were wise? Did all his predictions of doom for opponents of the great leader not come to pass? Are all those who lied that His Emptyllency would one day fall not been put to shame? How dared they open their big mouths to say that he Puhus, alias Ningsihakili Falidaa was wrong? They all must now go get needles and thread and sew their fat lips together and keep their bad breath from polluting the pious airs of our little town. He alone - Puhus, the infallible and erudite post-truthsian patriot - had the right to talk about what was possible and what was not in our little town. He alone knew it all and he alone can predict what will happen in our little town.
And so true to form, with his cheeks rattling with fury, his belly bubbling with frogs that popped out his backside and loudly croaked once in a while, he the gallant Puhus, the most empty patriot of our little town, embarked upon his task with renewed vigor and remarkable gusto. In the stunned assembly of our little town, a confused Puhus stood proud and tall, his generous lips drooping, his fat cheeks sagging on the sides of his face, a distant and empty look in his red eyes, the light of shame in his hooded eyes, hatred dripping down his face like a river of slime, and told lie upon lie in defense of His Emptyllency. He felt trapped and weak in the knees, but nothing could not stop him from extolling the great virtues of his boss, his great leader Ikodii Moooo Medical Mbeeh. Nothing would stop him from repeating over and over again how Mooo’s predictions never failed. He became a philosopher and a rhetorician and asked all our amazed townsfolk to just wait and see how the great leader would soon vanquish all his miserable critics and jealous enemies and climb up to heaven, with or without a ladder or ropes and sit right up there on the clouds, and cast a mocking glance down at all those jealous fools below! It was a remarkable spectacle, even for our dazed imaginations! Puhus the empty patriot, the army of one, the knower of all the truths, the possessor of no intellectual legs who nevertheless stood tall and proud, even with shaking knees, to uphold the standards of his great boss, His Emptyllency Chief Mooo Ikodi Mungfeng Mbeeh Medical of Ask the Dead Fame!
'Didn't I tell you so?' Puhus the empty patriot would ask, pressing his buttocks together to prevent yet another croaking frog from popping out. 'Didn’t I tell you that the great General Chief Mooo Ikodi Mungfeng Mbeeh Medical is a miracle - a very special type of homo africanus? Didn’t I tell you Mbeeh Medical Mooo is no ordinary dude? Didn’t I tell you that Alhaji Dr. General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Feninen will live forever; that whether you like it or not, he will never die, will always shine like brighter than the sun itself? Did you hear what the learned Doctor said the other day? Did he not tell us all that rain or no rain, his crops will grow? Did he not wisely say that air or no air his birds will fly? Well, that's some food for your miserable minds, if you have any. General is no ordinary dude like us all. He has done great things; greater things than any human being has ever done in history or will ever do. I challenge you all to prove me wrong! It is an unmistakable sign of the preponderate sensibilities and catbird qualities that the great leader possesses. And those of you jealous intellectual dwarfs who hate to see him shine can go throw stones at the sun. I tell you all, it is easier to stop the sun from shining than to stop General Chief Mooo Ikodi Mungfeng Mbeeh Medical Feninen from shining. You all are going to fall down and chew the dust someday soon. Because like it or not General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Medical is infallible and invincible. He is a knight in the shining armor of day. He is immortal, shall never die. So go chew your hearts out you jealous nothings!’
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