Return of the Empty Patriot: Most Favored Prating Toady

By Baba Galleh Jallow

Who said Puhus the empty patriot cared what anybody said about him? Who cared whether folks called him Puhus, or Pahas or empty patriot, or any such stupid name? Who cared whether folks claimed that his slavish licking of the dirty boots of Dr. General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Mooo Mbeeh Feninen of Medical miracle fame was in pursuance of a secret dream he had? Who cared whether jealous folks said Puhus the empty patriot, alias Ningsihakili Falibaa was a thief and a liar who would weep tearfully in public and call General Feninen father because he was being paid some little money? Of course he was being paid, stupid. Why else was he ordered to permanently squat in our public meeting places and box, kick and fart and poop at every single mention of the idiocies and cruelties and despotic actions of Chief Ikodii Mooo Mbeeh Feninen of Escaped Demon fame?

What Puhus could absolutely not understand was why those jealous midgets, those so-called journalists, would not get their dirty mouths off of him. He certainly did not care what the hell they said about His Emptyllency! Ooops! He did not think that! He must not hear it said!! But why would they drag him into the whole stupid laugh matters? Why would they call him cow and donkey and accuse him of being who he really was? Anyway, to hell with them! He was going to have his noisy say and he was going to say whatever the hell he wanted to say! He did not care whether he was considered dishonorable or shameful. Or whether he was pooping frogs or dropping pieces of white stinking lies all across the land and the skies! That’s what he was paid to do and that’s what he was going to do. Asamaadegala!! Puff! Haw! Kanaa Kunung!! Lolu Lanla?

Puhus the empty patriot had a dream. He had a dream that someday soon, his children, and his children's children, and the children of the children of General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Mooo Mbeeh of National Singing fame would walk together hand-in-hand, shoulder-to-shoulder, to keep the people blind and ignorant, to keep them eating the dust and bowing yes sir, while they drank all the honey of life and enjoyed the eternal fruits of their fools’ paradise. He had a dream that someday soon, he would find himself in the royal and intimate embrace of His Greatest Emptyllency, His Baldheaded Lordgoat, His Lordsheep, Chief the General Siiicku Dokita Alahaja Ikodii Mungfeng Mooo Mbeeh Medical Feninen of Ask the Dead fame. And for that dream, for that great and pious dream, for that mother of all dreams, Puhus the empty patriot would do anything, say anything, affirm anything, deny anything, and call anyone a fool and a liar so long as it brought a smile to the split hotdog lips of His Emptyllency! Such unbiased patriotism no one had ever seen in our little town! It was a miracle to watch!!

 But sometimes, alone in his bed in the middle of the night, Puhus the empty patriot wished that he was bundled up and forcefully thrown out of our little town;expelled, kicked out; ordered never to show his frog-eating ugly face again. Anything was better than being the helpless butt of the cruel jokes, the wagging tongues, the pointing fingers of our amused townsfolk. Especially those stupid journalists! But our common townsfolk did not want him to go. Especially, our so-called jealous journalists did not want him to go. They would have fought tooth, nail, and claw to keep the pious Puhus prating. You see, Puhus the empty patriot provided invaluable grist to the mill of our so-called jealous journalists. He provided them daily with mountains of golden material with which to write their books on His Despotic Emptyllency and the clownish stooges that surrounded him and consumed all his bad air for a little something here and a little something there. So the jealous journalists wanted Puhus the empty patriot, the most vocal stooge, the prime satellite of our little town, to stay and provide them with golden material with which to write their books. So sometimes under cover of darkness, they would walk up to poor Puhus the lackey, His Emptyllency’s Most Favored Prating Toady, and say, “keep it up patriot. Don’t mind the mice at the bottom of the ship. Can’t do you any harm.” Thus encouraged, Puhus the total votary, the chiefest minion of our little town, would proudly beat his chest and march forward, holes blazing!!

Nevertheless, our common townsfolk could not help but be mighty amazed at how far Puhus the empty patriot would go in defending the shortcomings of General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Mooo Mbeeh of Medical fame. They were mighty amazed at how far Puhus would go to paint His Ugly Emptyllency in the beautiful colors of the rainbow and paste him right up the skies whether he was actually there or not. Our common townsfolk were mighty amazed that Puhus the post-truthsian empty patriot insisted and swore by the very earth and the skies, that Chief Ikodi Mooo Mbeeh Medical was totally perfect, that Alahaja Dokita Purufusu General Buhubuhu Medical, a petty tyrant and despot by any stretch of the healthy imagination, was in fact an infallible paragon of virtue who had absolutely no faults and could never have any faults, could never make mistakes, and would live forever and rule forever. That everything Chief Dokita Purufusu Feninen said was the truth and nothing but the truth; that everything he did must be right. It reminded our common townsfolk of the ancient saying that Naps was always right!! Four legs good, two legs bad, no legs better!! Ever so often, our common townsfolk would hold their mouths and shake their heads and cast thoughtful glances at Puhus, at the silent skies, and at the distant seas, and say whodunit, whodunit? Really, whodunit??