By Baba Galleh Jallow
Our little town was not entirely unblessed when it came to having some really prominent citizens. Indeed, it was in the domain of citizenship that most of our prominent big wigs dazzled our senses with their wit and wisdom, which, thankfully, they were never loathe to share with our less endowed common townsfolk. It was no surprise at all that in our little town, there was a common saying that at least one common folk got wiser every single day. And this is in no small measure attributable to the great wisdom of one of our most prominent citizens, Alhaji Doctor Choot Choot Hapati, commonly known in our little town as the Realistic Guy on account of his mastery of the art and science of realism in all their loaded complexities.
Now Alhaji Doctor Choot Choot Hapati was no little guy in our little town. Indeed, we could safely say that he was no ordinary big wig in our little town. We just stop short of saying that our little town is almost unworthy of the presence of this great guy who was so wise we sometimes thought he was the sun itself come down to earth, walking on two feet and talking with its mouth. For not only was Alhaji Doctor Choot Choot Hapati a great natural orator and myth booster, he was also an eminently learned person, a veritable guru of ancient wisdom and a bitter cola of modern learning, to borrow a prominent metaphor from our little town. Well versed in all the categories of subtle wisdom with which the very fabric of our local customs are woven, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati was also highly educated in the wisdoms of the modern world: he held a Bachelor of Fats in Rope Dragging from Whig University, a Masters degree in Swashbuckling from the famous university of No Teach, and to cap it all, a dazzling Doctorate of Robosophy in Real Techniques from the world famous university of No Contest Upon Find, which was why he was given the honorable nickname of Realistic Guy and why our common townsfolk simply adored him.
Fortunately for our common townsfolk, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati was not one to lose an opportunity to teach less endowed folks a thing or two about life. And he found a perfect opportunity to do this by developing his own personal philosophy of being a realistic guy. What plopped out of the fertile mind of our great doctor and bloomed into the sunny airs of our little town was nothing less than a brand new realistic philosophy of life which he aptly called, without any unnecessary fanfare, the indubitable philosophy of Lestek. Our common townsfolk never tired of gathering around the great Dr. Choot Choot to hear him expound aspects of his dazzling new philosophy with the hope that they would go home at the end of the day if only a teeny weeny bit wiser than they were when they arrived. And good lord all of mercy! Our great doctor never failed to deliver!
Dr. Choot Choot Hapati was a kind and generous soul, and as such, he always began his lectures with a wide and benign smile which never failed to warm the gullible hearts of our simple-minded townsfolk. Having smiled every one into a cozy comfort zone, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would then proceed to deliver one of his memorable discourses on the art and science of being realistic. And being the ultimate master of jargon, Dr. Choot Choot would always begin by citing the ancient aphorism that of course, you could only learn about realism if you were yourself real and that our common townsfolk were indeed real because he could see them with his own two real eyes as well as his two unreal ones perched academically on his nose in the form of his famous reading glasses.
“But even my glasses are real, I can say,” he would wisely pout. “But some of ya wouldn’t know that, would ya, because you will say because the glasses are not made of life and blood, they therefore are not real.” Such a clever statement always elicited a long drone of hmn – hmn and several nods of enlightenment from his doting audience. Whereby Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would proceed to tell them what exactly it means to be a realistic guy.
“Ya see,” he would say, tilting his head to one side. “Sometimes I want to tilt my head like this, or like this, or bend it like this, or look at the heavens like this. But then I will ask myself; I’ll say Choot Choot wait a minute. Which of these postures do you really think is realistic? And then I would say Choot Choot you gotta be kidding me! And you know why I say that, because to be a realistic guy you have to know where exactly your head is tilted at every single moment of the day without even asking. It doesn’t matter whether you are sleeping or walking. If y’all sit and forget that there is a head on your shoulders, or that it is tilted this way or the other, then y’all are seriously out of touch with reality.” Our amazed common townsfolk would utter shrill cries of admiration, loudly groan their undying approval, and shake their heads many, many times as another invaluable piece of realistic wisdom sunk into their heads. Thus encouraged, a beaming Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would continue.
“But I am not saying that to be a realistic guy you have to be arrogant and boastful. I actually got a masters degree in swashbuckling and I can tell you that to be arrogant is both part of being a realistic guy and is not part of being a realistic guy. Because you see, to be a realistic guy you have to be able to be both here and there and elsewhere AT THE SAME TIME. And that is crucial – the ability to be everywhere AT THE SAME TIME. Because this means that you have to do something that is both impossible and yes, possible, even easy: You have to grow additional feet with which to stand on multiple ground at the same moment, additional mouth with which to speak, additional eyes with which to see, and yes, additional hands with which to shake worthy hands and slap unworthy ones. But of course, this stuff is far too advanced for y’all. So I will have to explain further next time. For now, just remember this: to be realistic guy, you have to eat your bread but still have it, as the Englishman would say.”
Such a dizzying analysis of his philosophy of Lestek would send our common townsfolk staring wildly around and exclaiming heh! heh! heh! Did you hear what Dr. Choot said? Heh! This guy is really educated! Heh!
Dr. Choot Choot Hapati was an equal opportunity equalizer par excellence. No tree was too high to climb, no mountain too steep to scale, no river too deep to jump, and no head too elevated to knock if and when necessary. For him, all things are created equal and so much be treated equally. He recognized no superior virtues and entertained no higher thoughts for any single being. “To be a realistic guy,” he would tell our common townsfolk, “you have to able to stand shoulder to shoulder with any human being, even though he may be taller than you. And to be realistic guy, you have to show that you know what anybody knows, even when they have read more books or traveled more roads than you. That is one of the cardinal principles of my infallible philosophy of Lestek.”
It was part of Dr. Choot Choot’s philosophy of Lestek that he was no respecter of persons who pretended to be wise or liked to show that they were educated by talking too much about issues that were, as far as he was concerned, very simple. Why should anyone consider themselves less endowed than others? Why should anyone give other people greater respect than they give themselves? Why should anyone place somebody else on a high pedestal while they remained down low below? Such behavior was definitely unrealistic and unworthy of his learned self. And he had the perfect plan for dealing with such persons if conditions become, as he would call it, “rather squatty.”
“When conditions are rather squatty,” he would tell our amazed townsfolk, “there is a simple way of dealing with it: you simply squat and gape and wear an expression of great awe and wonder and pretend that the other person is sitting high on up and you are down low below. The important thing is that in your mind, in your own unique mind of minds, you are standing neck to neck or even above the neck of that person who pretends to be better than you. This is part of the reason why I told you about the capacity to be everywhere AT THE SAME TIME – just one part, mind you; just one tiny part.” As the dynamic force of this powerful insight hit their dazzled minds, our common townsfolk would open their mouths and gasp for air and let out long streams of Ahaaaa, nnnnnn, unhu, unhu, accompanied by slow and somber nods which made their heads bop like a fleet of black buoys floating on the distant sea waves. Thus encouraged, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would go right on ahead with his great lecture.
“Ahhh,” he would sigh. “You guys don’t even know what it means to be realistic. But one thing you must know: you must be able to say one thing and mean quite another. You must be able to talk about rats while you mean hippos, and talk about hippos while you mean rats. You have to have what I would call a realistic mind. Aah! What does it matter anyways? If the hippo thinks you mean the rat and the rat thinks you mean the hippo who emerges the winner? Is it not you – YOU – the realistic guy? Which is also part of the art of being everywhere AT THE SAME TIME. See? The pieces of my realistic philosophy of Lestek are beginning to fall into place, if you see what I mean.” At this point, our common townsfolk would be so impressed with the mental prowess of our good doctor that some of them would jump up and do a few steps and tap him on the back and call him master and cool eye. For when he was thus engrossed in expounding the complicated yet simple tenets of his realistic philosophy of Lestek, the eyes of our great Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would grow wide and cool, and sparkle red with the wine of ancient wisdom mingled with the light of great book learning that was his most conspicuous attribute. For Dr. Choot Choot was a great darling of Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, although that was one realistic piece of information he would never let anyone share. “My love affair with Bacchus,” he always said to himself, “is a realistic affair that must be kept realistically hidden from the unrealistic eyes of the world.”
And when situations get rather squatty, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati knew just the trick to play to avoid the unrealistic eyes of jealous midgets seeing his great love for Bacchus: he would squat several feet away from the hippo rat, hopping from one spot to the other, always making sure that he was on the direction of the blowing wind, so that no one would smell the magic whiff of Bacchus that surrounded his person. And no, his wide and starry cool eyes never gave him away because people always knew that was the light of wisdom and modern book learning. At such realistic moments, Dr. Choot Choot Hapati would wear a kind and humble look in his eyes, his thoughtful head tilted this way or that, his arms humbly clasped together, humbly nodding and groaning, asking one gentle question after another. But in his great mind of minds, he was always standing neck to neck with whoever thought that he was anywhere above him. No one – and he meant NO ONE – could ever be allowed to stand taller than the great Dr. Choot Choot Hapati of Lestek fame. Why? Well, simply because he was a realistic guy. “Nyakadisse?” he would say. “Lestek.”