G. I. Nyuhu: Rise of the Green Tyrant
By Baba Galleh Jallow
Corporal Nyuhu knew how to get close to the seat of power – lick the bottom. And lick it hard! And so he sharpened his green tongue and licked, licked and licked so hard. He licked so hard that yes! – you guessed it: he was brought close by the unwary chief of our little town and given the full task of being chief licker and protector of the hidden jungles! And for some years, Corporal Nyuhu faithfully licked and watched the hidden jungles with watery mouth, until he saw the opportunity to plunge inside and make a mess of the poor chief’s entrails. The old and tired chief was so taken aback that he fled the land with all his noisy baggage. And so Corporal Nyuhu moved swiftly into place and became the chief. Thus started the strange story of G. I. Nyuhu: Rise of the Green Tyrant.
Corporal Nyuhu was a little man - little in mind and body. And so once he seized power, he started trying to make himself big by promoting himself to general. As a general, he now wore large green boubous and funny green hats that made him look like a shrouded log on two feet. Still feeling small, the poor general started holding strange objects in his hands – a dry donkey tail in one hand, and a cow’s skull in the other. These objects were meant to be extensions of his little self calculated to make people say, hey General Nyuhu is a really big and mysterious man. And so for many years, even in the hottest of sizzling temperatures, General Nyuhu wore his heavy and oversized clothes and held firmly on to his strange objects. Soon however, poor Nyuhu felt his littleness again and devised other means of getting bigger. So he started taking strange titles which he insisted must be pinned to his chest and pronounced before his name was uttered.
The first title to slap the general’s chest was Ahaha. Something in the sound of that title made General Nhuyu feel quite happy with himself. Now he was called His Excellency General Nyuhu Ahaha. And everyday he would tune into the radio or switch on the TV just to listen to himself being called General Nyuhu Ahaha. And if anyone refused to address him as such, General Nyuhu indulged in his favorite pastime – torturing people and watching them scream or die, or throwing them into his crocodile pool.
General Nyuhu came to be known as the green tyrant on account of his heartless, cruel and unjust nature and because he always wore large green boubous and strange green hats. He even painted the dry donkey tail and cow skull green so that they would match with his other apparel. Armed with the deadly forces of the land, General Nyuhu smashed all that he did not like and everything that smelled like truth or justice. As far as he was concerned, the only truth and the open justice in the land was his simply because he wielded power over the land. And so in no time he attained universal notoriety as G.I. Nyuhu, the Green Tyrant. When he was not having people tortured, butchered, or thrown to his man-eating crocodiles, General Nyuhu was thinking of ways and means of hanging on to power and making himself bigger because in spite of his oversized boubous and strange objects and his Ahaha title, the mean general still felt small and insignificant. That was when he decided to go on a hunting spree for humungous titles that he had attached to his chest and pronounced before his name.
First, General Nyuhu had the great title of Toot added to his name. Toot was an esteemed title in the land and only men of distinction could lay claim to it. And so now General Nyuhu was now called His Execellency General Nyuhu Ahaha Toot of the strange green robes and objects. He basked in the strong sounds of his new title but not for long. Soon, General Nyuhu was feeling his small self again and started looking frantically around for yet another strong title to make him feel big.
After much tiresome and frantic searching, the general’s dim mind stumbled on yet another flamboyant title. He now demanded that the great title of Poot be added to his chest and pronounced before his name. Poot the title was given to only the most reverend of learned persons in the land. And because our poor general considered himself the most learned person in the land because he wielded the most power, he could find no better title to seize than that of Poot. And so now he was called His Excellency General Nyuhu Ahaha Toot Poot of green objects fame, a title that pleased him to no end.
But alas the day, our small general soon relapsed into his feeling of insignificance. Despite his massive robes, his funny hat, the strange objects he always carried in both hands, and the titles of General, Ahaha, Toot and Poot, General Nyuhu still felt small. And he was so baffled and angered by this sad fact. And so again, he started looking around for some more titles to have stuck to his chest and pronounced before his name.
Soon enough, thanks to the relentless labor of his loyal stooges and his own slow brain, General Nyuhu found another title he thought fitting to his esteemed person. He now announced that henceforth, the great title of Porohal must be added to his chest and pronounced every time his name was uttered. And so now, everybody started calling him His Excellency General Nyuhu Ahaha Toot Poot Porohal of large boubous and strange objects fame. And whenever he heard his dazzling new appellation, General Nyuhu the green tyrant would don a big wide grin that made his lips look like a pair of curved dry logs lying astride a big black hole with something red in the middle. To him, the fact that he was now called General Nyuhu Ahaha Toot Poot Porohal meant that he was not only the most powerful man in the world, but also the most learned person who had strange mystical powers and could cure strange illnesses including death and decay.
But sad to say, our poor general did not feel happy for long before he started feeling little and insignificant again, which greatly puzzled him and made him sometimes hide in the toilet and weep profusely, or stop his motorcade in the bush and rush into the woods to weep profusely and blow his nose. Then he would come back out holding a large bundle of leaves which he then ordered everyone in his motorcade to stick to their foreheads because, he claimed, he had just intervened in a vicious demons fight and needed to protect those around him. Meanwhile, he continued looking around for another big title to slap on his chest and to have pronounced before his name.
The call that came through that fine fryfish day was a blessing for General Nyuhu. When he was put through, a white voice from across the distant seas saluted the general with all his names and titles and said that his organization had been following the exploits of the great general. “We have Sir, decided to confer upon you one of our most prestigious titles in recognition of your great contributions to the advancement of the human race. With your permission, we want to come over to your land and in a big public ceremony, to confer upon you this honorable title so that the whole world would recognize you globally.”
“And what should I give you in return?” the pleased general asked.
“Ah no no,” the white voice said. “We do not ask that you give us anything even though as a struggling institution in these hard economic times, our institution would appreciate anything that Your Kinds Generalcy donates to help us along.”
“I am pleased,” retorted the happy general. “I will donate a million dollars to your worthy cause.”
And so before long, the grand ceremony of conferment was held in the general’s palace and the white voice, who was now a white man, pinned the great title of Maralaat on General Nyuhu’s chest, so that from then on, he was called His Excellency General Nyuhu Ahaha Toot Poot Porohal Maralaat of strange objects and roadside demons fight fame. Imagine his anger when barely a week after this grand title conferment ceremony, General Nyuhu learnt that he had been taken for the worst fool in the world because neither the title nor the alleged struggling institution of the white voice existed. Wherever he passed now, especially with the title of Maralaat gallantly displayed on his chest, people hid their faces and giggled furiously at the strange specter of General Nyuhu, who they now derisively called General Fool. General Nyuhu now felts smaller than ever before but did not want to be fooled yet again by another white voice and non-existent organization.