Chapter Three

Loony tells a strange tale of ingratitude and deceit

At Talkmuch Dolittle’s bidding, Ostrich the doctor was about to call for an ambulance to transport Loony to the hospital when the wily fox suddenly dragged himself up and begged to be allowed to stay. Cheku the parrot, never missing an opportunity to display his legendary kindness, shrieked and cooed and said “no, no sir, you must be hospitalized, you must be hospitalized.” Loony, however, knowing that this was his best opportunity to seek acceptance into Smiling Forest, stoutly insisted that he was “okay, I’m cool, it’s fine.”

“Pray then, what brings you to our land?” Talkmuch Dolittle asked, making sure that his voice carried an unmistakable note of authority. “I want you to show reason why you should not be deported forthwith or charged with illegal entry into our beloved forest,” he said. At which point Loony the fox flung himself at the great monarch’s feet and loudly wailed and banged his snout against the ground and chewed the dust. “Stop that! stop that!” Cheku the parrot shrieked, dismayed at Loony’s strange behavior. ”You can’t do that!!”

“I will be brief my lord,” Loony wept. “When you hear my story, your heart will cry and you will see how ungrateful folks are. Please lend me your ears. I came to beg for shelter and not to play fool. The evil that men do dies after them, the good often interferes with their bones. So let it be with me.” 

Having got the green light from Talkmuch Dolittle, a tearful Loony proceeded to narrate the most amazing story the animals had ever heard. He explained that he had come from the distant forest of Paf, where he was lord and master of a bunch of ungrateful animals. “For nine long years, your majesty, I toiled and soiled for the ungrateful brats. When the rains did not come and they were starving I built them grass. And what do you think they did? CRITICIZE!! When they had no air to breath I built them wind. And what did they do? CRITICIZE!! For nine long years, I single handedly protected them for the harsh weather and external enemies. And what did they do? CRITICIZE!! I worked my butt serving their lowly interests. And what did they do? CRITICIZE!!” At this point, Loony grew so agitated that he burst into heart-rending sobs. Cheku the parrot and Nice Boy the monkey, greatly moved by Loony’s sad tale of ingratitude, quickly moved to his side and consoled him, saying “don’t weep, don’t weep; ‘tis indeed a woeful tale.”

“’Nough tears! Let’s hear the rest!” Talkmuch Dolittle ordered, getting impatient. Loony wiped his tears and loudly sniffing, resumed his tale.

“In nine short years,” he whimpered, “I, as the great leader of Paf forest, did for those miserable animals what no one had done for them in one hundred years. And what did they do? CRITICIZE!! They were a bunch of good for nothings who could only criticize and criticize and criticize. Some of them pretended to be famous and some wore strange hats to demonstrate their wisdom. But it was me, me, who saved them from the clutches of the evil forces of Paf forest. And what did they do? CRITICIZE!! Now tell me or you good folks of Smiling Forest, do you think those wretched animals were grateful?” A universal moan and cocktail of voices greeted this pertinent question. “The ungrateful brats had nothing to do but CRITICIZE!!” Loony lamented, eliciting loud shrieks of disbelief from Cheku the parrot and some grunts from Toothy the boar. “And what did they eventually do? They secretly formed an evil coalition and, in evil collaboration with my evil enemies, they drove me and my family out of my very own forest. My very own God-given forest! But they will see who will now build them grass when they starve or give them air when they want to breathe. Was it not the great philosopher Totle who said what thorns surround, thorns surround? Those evil folks whose only work is to criticize will soon come face to face with reality – the red hot reality. And then they will remember what I used to tell them – that one bad turn serves another.”

“Now that we have heard your story, what do you have to say for yourself?” Talkmuch Dolittle asked.

“Your majesty, I just want you to please let me be your humble servant,” Loony begged. “Let me join the humble group of my fellow foxes who guard your eminent palace. Having had so many years experience in matters of forest security, I will serve Your Lordship with outstanding distinction. Having fallen from grace by the evil designs of those evil folks, I now accept my fate and seek neither recognition nor promotion. I ask only that I be allowed to feed with the other foxes so that I can cure my anemia, which as you can see has painted the corners of mouth white and turned me into a bundle of creaking bones. I pray Your Lordship’s kind indulgence!” So saying, Loony repeatedly banged his snout on the ground and raised and lowered his front paws in total submission and pleading.

“Your wish is granted,” said Talkmuch Dolittle. “I only expect that you abide by the laws and high standards of this noble forest.” So saying, Talkmuch Dolittle waved Loony aside and proceeded to give his state of the forest address in which he extolled the glorious achievements of his government and his abiding loyalty to the principles of animal rights and the rule of law. He dwelt at length on his famous philosophy of Sweaty-Sweaty, which called upon all the animals to tie their waists and work hard for the eternal prosperity of Smiling Forest. He preached the virtue of obedience and reverence to leaders, who he reminded the animals, were viceroys of the great God Yallah. As no ordinary animal could pretend to know why the great God Yallah chose certain animals to rule over others, it was sacrilegious not to pay due reverence to he whom the divine power had made the ruler. Nii mang koo keh, koo tayla, he admonished. Do nothing, suffer nothing.

So it was that Loony took his place alongside the armed foxes guarding Talkmuch Dolittle, his hungry eyes already on the big prize.

For many years, Loony the fox faithfully served Talkmuch Dolittle. He quickly rose among the ranks of security foxes on account of his extreme zealotry and professed loyalty to the monarch. From a mere recruit, he soon rose to become commander of the Red Hat Branch of the security foxes. This highly trained branch was responsible for the king’s personal security and enjoyed special benefits and access not available to the other foxes.