For your reading pleasure. Cheers, Madiba. --------------- > IVORY COAST: Les Liaisons Dangereuses > > > The military coup that toppled the government of Henri Konan Bedie of > Ivory > Coast on Christmas Eve did not come as a big surprise to many African > leaders. While the rest of the world celebrated Christmas, some concerned > African leaders linked up via satellite for an emergency teleconference to > > deliberate on the coup, its implications and the next best move possible. > The > participants were Addoul Diouf of Senegal, Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria, > Jerry Rawlings of Ghana, Arap Moi of Kenya, Thabo Mbeki of South Africa, > Gnassingbe Eyadema of Togo, Moamer al-Khaddhafi of Libya and Omar Bongo of > > Gabon. Here is an extract from their teleconference. > > Diouf: Welcome gentlemen to this emergency conference. I am grateful that > you > all sacrificed your Christmas lunch to help in this search for a solution > to > Cote d'Ivoire's problem. > > Moi: What Cote d'Ivoire? I thought we are here to solve the crises in > Ivory > Coast? > > Bongo: Moi, they are all the same. The English call it Ivory Coast; the > French call it Cote d'Ivoire. > > Moi: Oh, excuse me! Those West Africans, their problems are not just > African > and British, they also have problem de la French. That is why I said they > should learn Kiswahili and at least have one thing that unites them. > > Eyadema: What about you guys in East Africa, Uganda, Tanzania and Kenya, > who > share two languages, English and Kiswahili, how far have you fared? > > Moi: That is what is always wrong with you West Africans. Instead of > facing > your problems, you always poke your big noses into other people's problem. > > There is problem in West Africa and we are here to help you guys. Now what > do > we get- lectures in Negritude? > > Diouf: My brothers let us not drift away. How do we respond to the > situation > in Abidjan? Any suggestions? > > Obasanjo: First of all, I want to thank you all for making out time to be > here. I personally left a huge IYAN meal with ewedu soup that my beautiful > > wife made to join you all. Have I said that my wife is beautiful? I hope > we > hurry up this meeting so that my meal won't get cold. As a one time > eminent > personality of Africa, I believe I understand the Ivorian situation very > well. That man, that Bedie is what my friend, Nzeogwu (May God Bless his > soul) used to call an efuluefu. When last I met Bedie in Togo, I warned > him > to be careful, but he never listened. Children of nowadays! As one time > General, I tried to counsel him on how to treat his military especially > when > they come back from one of those peacekeeping duties abroad. But the man > took > me for a fool. General Robert Guei did the same thing but the stupid man > Bedie did not listen. Now he has got what he deserved. I am not sorry for > him, lai lai. Generals do not play. Generals do not play at all, at all. I > do > not know when African civilians will get that in their coconut heads. Now > what happened? Ivory Coast, at an old age received its first baptism of > coup. > I welcome Ivory Coast to our club of coup infested counties. I welcome > her. > They will be learning how to use the left hand at an old age. Big brother, > > Nigeria will be there to help them. > > Eyadema: I am a General too. And I do have something to say. > > Diouf: What General Eyadema? > > Eyadema: Nothing! > > Rawlings: Can a Flight-Lt say anything in the conference? > > Diouf: Of course, Rawlings. Lets not forget that we are here not because > of > our military past but because our people freely elected us. > > Rawlings: The generals can brag as much as they want but many junior > officers > like us know more about coups than some pot belly good for nothing > Generals. > And let me tell you guys, I would have made myself a Field Marshal if I > had > wanted. > > Khaddhafi: Tell them Jerry. Tell them. > > Eyadema: My friend, whom are you calling 'pot belly good for nothing'? > Who? > Don't let me declare a war on Ghana? Don't provoke me? In fact, what saved > > you is that I cannot reach you from here. I would have shown you why I am > a > General. > > Diouf: Friends, we are here to find solutions to Ivorian problem not to > create new crises. Can we hear what Khaddhafi had to contribute? > > Khaddhafi: Thank you Diouf. The little I have heard from my African > brothers > make me wonder in what century shall we attain the African Unity I once > proposed. > > Moi: I never knew this man was serious about this African Unity of a > thing. > Are Libyans really Africans? I tend to see them as more Arabic than > African. > I have a bunch of the so-called Arab Africans in Mombassa. They are a > source > of headache to me. > > Diouf: Hold it Moi. Your solitude is leaking. > > Khaddhafi: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted... by some ugly > > toad. I find it rather too late to blame Bedie for what happened to his > administration. And if any one should do that, it is better they wait > until > they see him. Wasting out time condemning Bedie is like telling those who > came to the mosque that people do not come to mosques as frequently as > they > ought to. > > Diouf: Nicely put Khaddhafi. Now solutions. President Mbeki, do you have > any > suggestions for us? > > Mbeki: Without being rude to anyone, I must confess that running a Banana > Republic is not the same as running the real thing. So in that regard I > have > no experience. But I must say that it seems to me that the issue with most > of > you guys is that you all got your Independence on a platter of gold and as > > such have no idea how to value your freedom. I am tired to hearing about > coups in one West African country after another. I thought we all agreed > to > leave that to the Pakistanis? We are at the last days of the 20th century > and > you guys are not yet grown? The French and the British must have pampered > you > all too much. Too much breast feeding, that is what it is. > > Diouf: Does anyone have any solution or any idea of how best we should > react? > > Eyadema: I take offense to Mbeki's remarks. Whose country was he calling a > > Banana Republic? And who was breast-fed? The only breast I ever knew in > this > life was my Mom's. I demand an apology. > > Mbeki: I was not referring to your country Togo. But now that you have > said > it, what about all your mistresses? You have not been breast-fed by any of > > them? > > Eyadema: What? This is an insult. This is an abomination! Where is my > gendarmerie? In fact, I shall recall my ambassador to South Africa. How > could > you insult a General like me? I believe your father did not bear you well. > I > strongly believe so. I thought you learnt anything from Mandela, but it > seems > you did not. Bad sons. Common sense, you do not have. Common respect for > your > elders, your mother did not teach you. Shame on you. > > Diouf: Gentlemen, we are not making any progress with all these personal > attacks. The issue on the ground is still there awaiting us. The question > is > should we work with General Guei or should we ostracize him? And what > message > will our action give to other potential coup plotters lurking around other > > countries in Africa? > > Bongo: Diouf my brother, tell us the truth. Are you scared of coups? Then, > do > not do anything stupid. The first rule is not to be xenophobic. Learn from > > the way I treat the Nigerians in my country. When they give me headache, I > do > not go about emphasizing Gabon for Gabonese, I simply deport them and let > them pay their way back. > > Obasanjo: I heard you, Bongo. I heard you well well. But I will not answer > > you yet. I am still enjoying my Iyan. I shall response appropriately > afterwards. > > Moi: Being that I am the president of the most stable English speaking > country in Africa, I believe my wisdom ought to be indispensable to this > gathering. > > Diouf: And what is that wisdom, Moi. > > Moi: I don't know. > > Diouf: Gentlemen, shall we call for a swift return to constitutional order > or > shall we refuse to recognize the new government? > > Khaddhafi: That is of no use. Am I not here today talking to you guys? Do > the > Americans recognize me? > > Diouf: Khaddhafi, your point well taken. It is ironic that Bedie was > accused > of being pompous, inflexible and 'hermetically closed to dialogue'. I > wonder > if the same is not true for most of us here today. Having said that, I > think > a country that gave Africa Felix Houphouet-Boigny, his basilica of > Yamassoukrou, is worth saying. Or what do you all think? After all, Ivory > Coast is still the world's largest exporter of cocoa beans. It is not only > > the security of West Africa that is at stake; the daily appearance of a > whole > lot of chocolate candy bars in stores around the globe is being > jeopardized. > > Bongo: I remember Houphouet-Boigny, my friend very well. He beat me to the > > truth when he said to those inquisitive idiots called journalists that, > "Yes, > I have assets abroad. But they are not assets belonging to Cote d'Ivoire. > What sensible man does not keep his assets in Switzerland, the whole > world's > bank? I would be crazy to sacrifice my children's future in this crazy > country without thinking of their future". I still do not know why that > truth > stunned the world. > > Eyadema: I seriously doubt if Houphouet-Boingny's fortune was up to $ 6 > billion as reported by a French newspaper. That man was not smarter than I > > was. > > Moi: And me neither. > > Diouf: Was it not Voltaire, who wrote that, "There are two things for > which > animals are to be envied: They know nothing of future evils, or of what > people say about them." Gentlemen, on that note, I think we shall call it > a > day. I do not see us achieving anything from this conference. Obviously > some > of us have our minds buried in some wines and dines. In which case I say, > Merry Christmas to you all. Au revoir. > > Obasanjo: No Mr. Diouf. We cannot leave yet. I have two suggestions.... > > > And NEPA took the light. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- To unsubscribe/subscribe or view archives of postings, go to the Gambia-L Web interface at: http://maelstrom.stjohns.edu/archives/gambia-l.html ----------------------------------------------------------------------------