Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah
would merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works
for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it
is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas
and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By
combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-
quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new
holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-
leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the
more generic, "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed
that the Jews will be allowed to use Santa Clause and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be
Kosher.  All sides appeared to be happy about this.

A spokesman for Chrismukah Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that,
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger
between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately, for all concerned, the
spokesman said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."