Mysticism, Delusion, and the Appetite for Wonder
(by Clay Stinson)

PS:  If you were telling me the truth about your "abnormal MRI" then, in
light of BOTH our array of "mystical" experiences, I believe that my "broken
brain" hypothesis has yet another PRESUMPTION in its favour.  In other
words, we both have strong EMPIRICAL evidence (i.e., my DigiTrace EEG and
your abnormal MRI) that we do indeed have broken brains.  Additionally, it
is well known that some types of neurological disorders have, as their
symptomatological manifestations, what are conventionally called "mystical"
experiences.  And, if you are not trying to make the argument that only
"broken brains" can perceive these "transcendental realities" then I believe
the most parsimonious hypothesis in our context is that ANY interpretations
that experiences like ours gives us (i) insight into the nature of Deep
Reality, (ii) experiences of Other Realms of Existence, and so on, is quite
DELUSIVE.

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PPS:  Letters to and from LauraBee

Subj: Re: Epilepsy and Mysticism
Date: 96-10-28 14:25:11 EST
From: LorahBee
To: Emptiness

Dear Laura, thank you for your response to my email. I have so many
observations about this strange process of experiences, and am interested in
your story as well, although I have no right to ask. Perhaps if i just ask a
few questions, and you can decline to answer if you don't want to pursue
this conversation. Don't worry if you don't feel like answering them--I've
been alone with this thing for over four years and am getting used to it.

A little more history on me. Four years ago, I was battling Lyme
disease--infectious arthritis. It had gone undiagnosed for two years, and
sometimes neurological complications can occur, however, the only problems I
had been experiencing were a noticeable loss of short term memory (now
cured) and a stuttering problem (also now mostly gone.) I had lots of pain
and none of the usual pain medications worked. After two years of daily
unrelieved pain, I wanted to take a leap off a high building. Instead, I
started to develop a relationship with God, because I had no one else to
turn to, my husband and doctors all insisting that I was not ill.

I had been a religious skeptic my whole life (30 years) and had had no
religious training or upbringing. I did not do "contemplative prayer," the
Jesus prayer or any other. I have always disliked meditation and so-called
silent prayer. I much prefer to have long conversations with God. However, I
do have the ability to spend many hours a day in just thinking about
spirituality, God, my place in the universe, and reading the same subjects.
You could say I'm fairly obsessed. But in the beginning, I was just lonely
and in pain. One day while I was reading the Bible, a glass exploded in my
kitchen. It was not near a source of heat or cold, and yet the glass
appeared "crazed" as though it had been subjected to heat and then cold. I
checked the windows to make sure no one had thrown a rock accidentally, but
it was midnight, and no one was around outside. It seemed to be the
beginning of my manifestations. (BTW, at that time, I was not superstitious
or particularly into the paranormal, either. Thought it a bunch of bunk.)

A few nights later, I prayed long (but not silently:-) and then fell asleep.
Around two or three am I was awakened by what felt like a sharp blow to my
left neck, and simultaneously a loud banging noise, like a door had slammed.
Immediately, I seemed to leave my body and fly up to what I perceive as
heaven, where I was greeted by a VERY beautiful and bright light that
radiated LOVE. I was literally sucked into it. I had an experience of great
joy and seeming "transfiguration,"  and then fear as I began to burn. It
felt like the love radiating from the light was literally burning me to
death. I didn't really care too much that I was dying, as the LOVE pouring
from the light was a better alternative to existence. I did feel as though I
was losing my sense of SELF. At some point I blacked out and awoke in bed.
Since then, I have had visions (of a religious nature), have heard my name
called (but no other words or voices, thank God:-) and see the lights and
other phenomena I have already told you about. I have interpreted all these
things in a religious way, even though I was never a religious person before
all these things started happening.

Maybe I am crazy, but I do not view the experience of flowing light and dead
calm as negative, but wonderful. However, I have not experienced any
permanent change in my "mental chatter" or capacity to feel emotion or
experience the concepts of past and future. Many religious figures would
call that sort of equanimity "enlightenment" and see it as a good thing. I
wonder why you seem to see it in such negative terms. What I mean is not
that I question your right to see it in negative terms, but that I wonder
where, for you, the concept of love fits in your world view. My own
experience has changed my life mostly for the better, in the sense that I
have gained mastery over some of my former bad habits, and now strive to
live in harmony and peace, while before, every other person was seen as a
potential source of pain in my life. I now see that I am in charge of my own
feelings, and yes, that many things just don't matter in the big view.

I am digressing severely. What I am trying (incompetently, I agree) to ask
you, is whether your intent is love? Were you looking for power over others
when you began your odyssey, or peace, or goodness? I know that you have
ended up with equanimity and a diminished ability to enjoy life. This is
what you seem to say. I, on the other hand, still enjoy all my former
interests, have gained a great love and faith in God, am happier in my
marriage, and have gained mastery (for the large part) over bodily
appetites. I feel more human, not less. BUT--I have also developed this
compulsion to KNOW more and MORE about the regions of the spirit, which
doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. My experiences come at their own
time--I do not spend any time anymore trying to experience anything except a
sense of closeness with the Lord, which I suppose is a sort of
concentration. But it takes very little time to achieve and lately seems to
happen mostly when I am sleeping, as I mentioned before. My daily prayers
only amount to about a half hour or less. Yet I do feel this sense of
"marking time" until I get to my REAL life, so to speak, and it is what is
distressing me.

 My last questions Clay:  Do your experiences cause you to disbelieve in
God, or were you a nonbeliever before you began? And secondly, do you see
these "manifestations" as purely biological? Do you believe that when the
body dies the "self" dies along with the brain, and that's it, finito? Or do
you perhaps believe that our spirits go to a great One that allows for no
individuality/individual personality--a sort of , but not complete
annihilation? Or something else? Thank you for any reply. And I apologize in
advance for foisting all this on you:-) Hope to hear from you again. Laura


Subj: Epilepsy and Mysticism
Date: 96-10-28 06:28:12 EST
From: Clay Stinson
To: LorahBee

Dear Lorah,

Many forms of epilepsy (among other neurological disorders) have the
symptomatology you describe to me in your e-mail.  One does not have to do
ANYTHING at all to have them.  However, there ARE certain activities that
can cause, or exacerbate, the list of symptoms you describe.  Even though
you may not know this, or eve think so, many forms of  religious "prayer"
are really attention-manipulation forms of meditation.  What differentiates
ordinary discursive religious prayer in which one has a "conversation" with,
say, God, and Contemplative Prayer is (i) the degree of "one-pointedness" of
the mind as in pure concentration meditation, (ii) "moving attention" as in
various forms of Insight Meditation, or (iii) breath-retention meditative
techniques which increase the likelihood of neurological damage via anoxia,
hypoxia, and hypercarbia .  Put in other words, if you have been able to
cultivate a powerful focus on "the presence of God" or whatever, you are
doing meditation and ACTIVATING the very experiences that you may not want
activated.  So, if you are experiencing these powerful neurological
manifestations during prayer and you wish them to stop, I suggest you STOP
praying.

With regard to the experience of the symptoms of neurological
destabilization during sleep, let me say that I, too, have frequently
experienced the same during times in bed (asleep or awake) -- so this is not
so strange or unusual.

You mention that these rapturous experiences do not make you more
enthusiastic for living and wonder why.  As a tentative suggestion I say the
following two things.  First, it may simply be the CONTRAST between the
marvelous "mystical" ecstasies and ordinary non-ecstatic & non-"mystical"
experience that is the culprit.  That is, who wants to go back to the
ordinary and "non-blissed-out" states when there is all that "wonderful"
rapture instead?  View it more like the states induced by heroin as compared
to non-narcotic induced states.  Second, I have often tried to tell many
people that the bliss and rapture are eventually replaced by SILENCE and
UNKNOWING for some -- although most going through the marvelous rapture,
"neurological reconfiguration" and illumination find this hard to believe
UNTIL they themselves are brought "low" by the neurological unfoldment. You
intimate as much when you say "...I realize that physical death might not
get me back to that place of joy" and "What are the compulsions of the human
mind/soul that seem to catapult certain of us into this region of
(not)knowingness?"

As I see it, you have several choices.  The first choice would be to study
meditation and various meditation techniques and attempt to take the process
all the way to the STABLE Unitive State.  This is VERY VERY risky since you
may have epilepsy and the various meditation techniques may very well
exacerbate your condition.  There is the additional bit of bad news that FEW
even make it even this far.  The second choice would be to simply STOP
Praying altogether - for you have probably developed a measure of
Concentration (powerful focus of mind) which you may be inadvertently
applying during Prayer.  The third choice involves the second along with
visits to a neuropsychiatrist and/or neurologist who knows something about
the side-effects of meditation and epilepsy too.  He or she could put you on
the appropriate Anticonvulsant Drugs (AED) which MAY help you control these
experiences or symptoms.  From personal experience, I know that at least one
drug, Alprazolam, WILL NOT significantly slow or halt the process FOR ME -
it only allows me to get much needed sleep.  But this is an
antianxiety/sleep-inducing agent and NOT an anticonvulsant drug.

Have you injured yourself?  This one is very hard to call given the facts
that (i) neurology is in its infancy, (ii) many neurologists and
neuropsychiatrists might not know what to make of your condition - really
good ones will though, and (iii) the data you have given me is very partial
and sketchy.

If the experiences are too disruptive of your life and too unpleasant,
please seek out the counsel of a good neurologist and/or neuropsychiatrist.
Some of the new Anticonvulsant Drugs these days are very powerful from all
accounts I have read.

Very Best Wishes,

Clay

Contd.