GUARDIAN
Saturday, February 19, 2000
Battle of the sexes
By
Suleyol Mngerem
"NO one can win the battle of the sexes, there's too much fraternising with
the enemy." Anon.
When I found this quotation, I found it absolutely hilarious and true. When
you sit and listen to what one sex has today about the other, you wonder how
they can stand to be in the same country not to talk of in the same bed.
It all started with Adam, he blamed Eve. She blamed the serpent, who is of
course male. Since then, it's been finger pointing, blame, accusations and
counter accusations. The words range from jovial banter, "look how your son
is growing," "isn't your daughter beautiful" to otomokpo alias African
science, to clan wars and epic court battles. From the infant to the seven
year old, they don't know the difference. From age seven to 13, they can't
be seen within shouting distance. It will be hurling insults or even
physical fights. Age 10 - 11, I could easily beat up all my boy mates, I was
taller and stronger. Scientists say its normal. Of course the next year, I
didn't try them. Age 14 to 17 the puppy love starts and they would do
anything to see what you are not showing. They compose poems, write endless
love letters, send photos, try to excel in everything to impress the other
and wild horses would not bring most to go beyond the few stolen kisses
stage. Now from 18 is where trouble starts. Out of secondary school or fresh
in the university. The boys taller than their fathers, with deep, deep
voices, displaying all kinds of skills, mental and physical. They are
finally men (so they think) and they are now ready to claim their "God
given" property i.e. girls.
The girls too have matures beautifully and the people they used to call
"uncle" just six months ago are urgently, urging them to "just call me
Peter, forget the uncle." The heat is on. Those little things called
hormones are frantically at work. You just pray to God that they listen to
you, common sense and God rather than those reckless passion lighting
hormones. Some real battles begin here. The scorned can't imagine why and
you know "hell hath no fury like one scorned etc." The ones ignored either
take it philosophically or grow angry and bitter at the courted and the
courters. Some get pregnant and therefore into trouble with everybody, have
abortion, have a child. By God's miracles some of them go on through life
unscathed by such experiences, others grow allergic to men and others lose
confidence in them. These are volatile years. Anything happens here, from
entering the convent and seminaries to wild parties; hippie heaven, gate
jumping, car crashing, crashing out of school, cults, gangs, drugs, early
parenthood, early marriage to most sober and reasonable behaviour.
The girls are complaining loudly about who they are dating and who wants to
date them. Who they would like to date, who they caught cheating on them,
they are beginning to realise that it's all sweet and sensational. Whatever
it is, their conversations are full of boys. The opposite sex is on the same
track, telling of their conquests (real or imagined) talking about the
hard-to-get, the arrogant, the rude and the easy and their heart breaks.
Beatings and rape are not unheard of on campuses and many a girl have taken
a campus tough for protection especially now with all madness they call
cults.
Then comes real adulthood (welcome or not) when most are on their first
jobs, assuming responsibilities, saving, helping at home and venturing into
marriage. Your parents are asking for the usual thing - a grandchild.
It is now that the men can't find the women. This one doesn't pick up after
them. She can't cook, she will be fat after the first baby. She has a better
job. She is too tall, she is Ibo and not Tiv. His mother won't like her. The
list is endless. The women of course start to turn bitter, with their family
and friends lining up on their side. The men have their own cries after
courting a woman and even asking her to meet the old lady, she suddenly
realises she can't stand to be a daughter-in-law to his mother. She cheats
on him with his best friend. She'd rather die than crack a nail washing
plates and she thinks tuwon dawa is beneath her. The atrocities of the women
too are endless. Some don't get to the altar. Some manage to. Others go
quite ecstatically, exchanging rings, life-long vows and now two years
later, they can't stand each other. Some five years others 10, 25, 35 and
even 40 years. For Christ's sake 30 years? 40 years? The amount of bitter
feeling on both sides is quite alarming, the divorce rate is really
frightening, the abuse verbal and physical monumental. Yet, each year,
everyday people are declaring their love and yes!, getting married. The
battle of the sexes is in full swing, has been on since Eden and there's no
end in sight and yet fraternising with the enemy too is in full swing. The
contradiction is quite amusing, that is if you are not crying.
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