Return of the Empty Patriot – Part One

By Baba Galleh Jallow
Our new and most powerful President, His Emptyllency Alhaji Dr. Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii General Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Moooo of No-Talk Republic, was a very wise man. True, he had his friends and his enemies. And true, he made more enemies than friends because of his ultra-sensitive adherence to the infallible dictates of his distorted reason. But true, true, General Chief Momla Peeep Mungfeng Ikodii Buhubuhu Gadduyep Kenduwah Moooo also knew how to tread on the slippery paths of life in power, how to turn friends into enemies, but especially how to turn enemies into friends when he needed to use them in his loveplay with power, after which he would discard them like used condoms and go search for more condoms to use in his intoxicated loveplay with power.
General Ikodii Momla Peeep Kenduwah Moooo applied his ultra-rational mind to the case of a particularly crafty friend he used to have, but with whom he had fallen out. Actually, this particular former friend, popularly known as Puhus the patriot, had had a very bad falling out with General Kenduwah. But Puhus the patriot had regretted falling out with his mentor and for many years, tried to win back the friendship of the great General Kenduwah. General Ikodii Momla Peeep Kenduwah Moooo, however, ignored all of Puhus’ wily moves for reconciliation, until one day . . . . 
Suddenly one day, His Emptyllency Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Kenduwah Moooo had great need of the services of Puhus the empty patriot. So many nonentities were making so much noise about his caliber of leadership, which some folks described as absolutely anti-life, a categorization that greatly angered His Pious Emptyllency but left him with no way to fight back. Now, the great leader remembered that Puhus the empty patriot was just the right weapon to use against all those puny little fellows making unpleasant noises about his regime. And so His Emptyllency Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Kenduwah Moooo, ever the wily politician, eventually made it known that Puhus the empty patriot was indeed a very loyal friend and sent him a few Chinese dollars as a token of his new friendship. ‘I trust,’ His Emptyllency told an excited Puhus, ‘that you will now use your highly advanced critical capacities and perspectives to silence all those jealous folks making funny noises about my government.’ Of course, Puhus the empty but cunning patriot could not wait to nod yes sir, yes sir, my lord. So hard did Puhus nod that his head, which was disproportionately large, nearly fell off his tiny neck.
Thus readmitted into the favorite circle of the great leader, Puhus the empty patriot gallantly set about his task of shaming all who dared to say a word contrary to the ideals and practices of His Infallible Emptyllency Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Kenduwah Moooo. During the period in which he was estranged from General Moooo Peeep Kenduwah, Puhus the empty patriot had dived into the oceanic field of academia and drank heartily of the milk of wisdom. By the time of his readmittance into General Moooo’s Most Favored Puppet Status, Puhus the empty patriot had clinched a Bachelors degree in Groping Techniques, a Masters degree in Bootlicking and a Doctorate in the Advanced Principles of Don’t Care. He had become an expert in the novel theories of post-truthism, an achievement he now used with utmost gusto to silence all those semi-illiterate folks and false prophets who thought they were wise and tried to oppose His Infallible and Immortal Emptyllency, the Greatest Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Moooo of Ratatoi fame.
Say anything about His Immortal Emptyllency, Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Wooye Kenduwah Moooo in our village assembly and Puhus the empty patriot would rise like a giant tree and tell you how you really belonged to ‘that class of pre-scientific vocalities who have lost touch with the inter-textual forms of binary logic. All of you jealous folks live in an era of what I would call a pre-limboric extra-falsity,’ Puhus the empty patriot would wisely pout. ‘And you will do yourselves great service by taking your pre-social underlingities back into the glorious future of Kenduwahfian post-spatialities. For whether you like it or not, General Ikodi Peeep Momla Moooo will live forever and he will forever be our lord and master and the grand lord and master of our children and our children’s children. So I advise you to go and sleep.’
As far as Puhus the patriot was concerned, it did not matter whether what was said of His Immortal Emptyllency, Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Kenduwah Moooo was true or false, logical or illogical, existent or nonexistent, rational or irrational, thick or thin. So long as it sounded unpleasant in the hallowed ears of His Emptyllency the President Alhaji Dr. the Paramount Chief General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Gadduyep Kenduwah Moooo, it was deserving of condemnation and ridicule in the most appropriate post-truthsian terms Puhus the empty patriot could muster. And boy, did he have an arsenal of advanced terms! 
Indeed, our common townsfolk were so extremely impressed with the seemingly endless arsenal of educated terms Puhus the empty patriot knew that after listening to him put some cheeky folks down, they all would wildly stare and hold their mouths and call him sir. At which point Puhus the empty patriot would sagely look around and say, maakowah! Our common townsfolk were even more amazed at the great guy’s seemingly boundless reserves of critical energy. For truth to say, Puhus the most empty patriot was an army of one against the entire big wide world, fighting not for such simplistic and outmoded things as truth or lies, justice or injustice, sense or nonsense, but for the total defense and promotion of His Pious Emptyllency the President, Alhaji Dr. Chief the General Ikodii Momla Mungfeng Peeep Kenduwah Moooo of the famous Republic of No-Talk, from the evil mouths of jealous intellectual midgets. Which was why our common townsfolk really felt that Puhus the empty patriot deserved recognition and a huge slap on the back. Whap!! Six fingers up Puhus the post-truthsian patriot!!
 
 
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